Monday, 28 January 2013

Ponderings

I keep thinking about, or shall I say worrying about, the future and the experiences I lack. I've never had a job or been in a relationship, I don't know how to drive, and I'm not in touch with any of my old friends. I feel like everyone else has experienced these things. 
The friends situation. Everyone from my sixth form is still in contact with each other, and are still the best of friends. I hated myself in sixth form and felt low a lot of the time, so when the time to leave arrived, I left everything, and everyone, behind. I sometimes wish I made the effort to keep in contact. I didn't because people didn't contact me either, and that made me think that they didn't like me. I feel pathetic just writing that! But our minds can be cruel sometimes and make us paranoid. Also, to make more friends, you need to go out and meet people, but to do that, you need friends to go out with. Vicious circle!
I know driving isn't the most important thing, but it just adds to the fact that I'm not growing up at the rate of others. I didn't learn to drive when I was 17 because I didn't have the money. I have the money now, but I want to learn the basics with my dad before giving my money away. I also find driving scary. I'm hoping to go more often with my dad so I'm confident enough to have lessons.
Again, the relationship thing sounds pathetic, but it can sometimes feel like a big deal. Nearly everyone I know has been in a relationship, and sometimes I feel like a child being the odd one out. I often think 'will I ever have a boyfriend?'. And I can't see myself having a boyfriend for a long, long while because I don't go places to meet new people (aside from uni). It's the same circle as the friends one above.
The job thing is my biggest concern, and is what's making me feel like a failure. My lack of confidence has always got in the way. I'd be happy working in a stock room away from people, but a lot of jobs require social interaction. This Summer, I'm going to either try and get work experience, or a small job. If I don't, where am I going to start after uni? No one will want to hire me. Also, I'm still not 100% sure on what I want to do with my life.
Lack of relationships and jobs, and not knowing what I want to do with my life makes thinking of the future terrifying. I try shutting it out and focusing on the present, but it's hard. 

So, there it is. I don't know how long I'll keep this post published for. I can see people thinking 'you did this to yourself' and 'oh, what are you worrying about? Get over it'.

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